What the scale really says

How often do you get on the scale? Have you ever stopped to ask what it is you're actually looking for when you stand on there?

It was just the other week when I found myself in a department store, lurking in the corner of the bathroom section and secretly weighing myself on a display model that I realised that something had gone awry and I needed to stop and listen to what was going on in my life.

I have never owned my own set of bathroom scales and don't have them in my home, and I used to have a slightly arrogant I must admit, sense of pride that this somehow meant that I was more normal than people who have scales and weigh themselves frequently. But at the same time I would relish any opportunity to hop on a scale when there was one available, in stores and when I was visiting other people's homes, because I still felt that the number on the scale validated or invalidated how good I was at eating and exercising and keeping my body at an acceptable place to be seen in the public. If that number fell between a certain range or below a particular number, then I had done good and was being healthy, and if not then I had failed at controlling myself and my appetite.

It took me a long time to really understand that when I stepped onto the scales, secretly and quietly in so many different stores and people's bathrooms I was actually looking for validation as a person. This is what diet culture leads us to believe - If the number on the scale goes down then I am worthy and if the number on the scale goes up then I'm unlovable. Questioning and understanding what I was looking for on the scales is what helped me to let go of the need to hop on whenever I had access.

Some Reflective Questions to Ask Yourself:

- How frequently do I feel the desire to weigh myself?

- What feelings come up for me if I think about a scale not being there for me to monitor my weight?

- What do I feel when the scale comes up with a number I deem acceptable?

- What do I feel when the scale comes up with a number I deem unacceptable?

- What is it that I'm really seeking when I stand on the scale? What other places can I also get this from?

Challenges to try:

- If you weigh yourself multiple times a day - can you try to reduce it to once a day for a week?

- If you weigh yourself just once a day - can you try to reduce it to once a week for a month?

- If you weigh yourself between once and a couple of times a week - can you try to put the scales away for a month and not check them at all?

It's also important to acknowledge that our behaviours that we deem undesirable often have an important lesson to teach us. And to know that just because we learn that lesson doesn't mean we won't need to re-learn it again in the future. While I have mostly lost the desire to jump on a scale at any opportunity, my moment in the department store demonstrated that maybe I had forgotten my lesson and that moment provided the opportunity to really reflect on what was going on. For me, I've been questioning my worthiness lately having been under lots of stress and not completing my usual rituals of self care and mindfulness.

So rather than get upset at myself for feeling the need to jump on the scale, and rather than get upset at the number on the scale, I instead took it as a moment to recommit to adding in other self care practices like meditations, and using my favourite aroma and affirmation cards. These things are small things that are achievable for me when I don't feel deserving of something more grand in the self care arena like a facial or a massage. It's in these small steps that we can cultivate trust and feelings of worth towards ourselves, and in my case, help me lose the desire to use the scale to find my worth.